Sunday, July 02, 2006 ( 12:40 AM )
problem-free life is wad i wish i cud hv.....life is not smooth-sailing for me rite now... i duno i cant click well with my classmates at some point n its reali bothering me...hmm im not in the best of moods nowadaes probably due to some internal fam probs which i wudnt go in2 detail...n theres this probs dat r the major ones dat kp coming back to me evrytime!!! besides the sch tingy... i realise i may hv problems wen going in2 relationships... actuali i duno y bt i reali turn in2 a complete dumbo wen it comes to this stuff...i was looking at some of those couples at mc or going out watsoever n i kept wondering wat do these ppl talk about man??? how do they stand each other without boring each other to slp???!! the irony is dat i hv no probs lyk dat wen it comes to frens or ppl i noe n close with...shucks man i duno wads goin on...another thing is dat...hmmm...i tink i hv forgotten how to cry...its funny cos wen theres something sad it doesnt make me cry n i can control my emotions because dat sadness doesnt come frm me dats y i dun cry much i reali duno how to cry at these things...its an external kind of thing n im not feelin it...get it ppl???no? ok hu cares...wad im saein is wen it actuali comes frm me..i feel sad n i cant control it any longer the tears will just flow out n i just cant stop...n sometimes it has to be in public..omg how humiliating can dat be...i duno i just feel upset abt some stuf ok so let me dwell on my own tears....i dont like ppl seeing dat so i will be in my own world for dat moment...there r some times however dat i reali cant hold it dat i hv to let it out....n it has to be in front of my mum ....haiz.....reali dun want her to see it...i feel upset for the fact dat it was my own fault dat im letting myself feel this wae...i made a wrong choice few yrs ago n i dun think theres any turning back now...i was asked to by my aunt n i oh-so-"obediently" followed n the consequences now-im not happy...i didnt give it a through thought...i just wish i can take it back but i cant..ppl have seen...not dat i care wad they think bt my mum does so wad can i do...bt carrying on with this is a bigger sin than not executing it in the first plc...oh god i reali duno wad to do...n wen i think about this in the long run..i can c there will be futere problems n im afraid of the dae the problems will come....cos i may not give it a fight anymore....
